You Will Not Sell Your Story The Canon Sue Song
by fetch-thranduilion
Summary: Still more Spamalot...I need help! Mindless babble about a trend I've noticed in Dragonlance females. Ruthless and shortsighted on purpose I know it's not totally true, but it's funny.


Yet ANOTHER "Spamalot!" A friend of mine suggested I join a Recovering Evil Songwriters Support Group…she's probably right. At the very least I should stop doing this until I have the rest of REMSG posted; there's only one more chapter…anyway, here's a rather odd little number inspired by the fact that I think Usha and Crysania seemed to exist primarily to provide romantic involvement (Laurana too, I suppose…) like Mary Sues. Thus I'm using the term **very** loosely, applying it to canon characters in addition to the usual fanfic fare.

No offense, anybody, please! I write these to be funny, not to tick anyone off. But if I anger you, flame me so I know and can hopefully avoid such slights in the future. Oh, and nothing here is mine at all; and if it was, I probably wouldn't claim it anyway.

You Will Not Sell Your Story (The Canon Sue Song)

Raistlin (_speaking_): I don't understand this Usha.

Caramon (_speaking_): No, Raist, I wouldn't think you would, Raist.

Raistlin: (_speaking_): Why not?

Caramon (_speaking_): Because Usha is a very special girl, one of many special women, women who can flaunt and flirt often at the same time. She is a lovely woman, a singularly purposeful woman, a woman for Palin to love like no other woman, and is in many ways one of the most useful women in the tale. You see Raist, that's why she's here.

Raistlin (_speaking, irritated and still not convinced_): But why?

Caramon (_speaking_): Well, let me put it like this…

(_singing_) In any great adventure

If you don't want to lose

Victory depends upon

The people that you choose

So listen, brother darling,

Closely to this news:

You will not sell your story

If you don't have Mary Sues.

You may cast your magic spells

Fight Takhisis in her hell

You may try to trick old Fisty with a ruse

You may even save the world

But if you don't have a girl,

You'll hear no cheers, just lots and lots of boos.

Palin and Tas: Boo!

Caramon (_flexing_): You may have butch men by the score

For the ladies to adore

You may even have some animals from zoos (_Palin and Tas make animal sounds_)

Since you've gnomes and dwarves instead

You may think you are ahead

But I tell you you are dead

If you have no Mary Sues.

_(little dance)_

They won't care if it's witty:

If the women aren't that pretty,

They'll simply say it's shitty and refuse.

Take out the romance, sir

And get the answer of "No chance," sir

Even I wouldn't be dim enough to choose

Make your male characters stare

At lots of girls in underwear

And you know you'll have the finest of reviews

Tas: You're doing great!

Caramon: The women like it hot, sir

They do not want a plot, sir

They want to read a story

Caramon, Palin, & Tas: With a lot of Mary Sues!

_(tap dance)  
_

Caramon: You may have terrific writing

Or lots of horrid fighting

You may even have a kender sing the blues (_Tas starts humming_)

Your cast consists of boys

So sadly they'll be toys

And that noise that you call singing you must lose (_Tas shuts up_)

So despite the warring knights

And crazy kender dressed up bright

And the most impressive imagery you use

You may have duels mano e mano

You may bring on a piano (_one appears_)

But they will not give a damn-o

If you have no Mary Sues.

_(Caramon sits down at the piano and launches into a cadenza. At the end, Usha enters along with several girls with long blonde hair dressed in pink: a Sue Squad. As Usha starts to dance with Palin, the Sues circle Raistlin threateningly but he is unaffected…until the music swells and Crysania enters, wearing what Usha is: that is to say, very little. This does it. Despite his cursed vision and personal opinions of romance, Raistlin finds himself drawn inexplicably to her side and soon they too are dancing.)_

All: Hey!

Palin (_spinning Usha around_): Ohh…hey!

Raistlin (_spinning Crysania around_): Ohh…hey!

Caramon: You may improvise as wise

Try to apotheosize

Usha and Crysania: You may mix up all your fancy wizard's brews

Caramon, Palin, & Tas: You haven't got a clue

If you don't have a Sue

All of your investments you are going to lose

Caramon: If you think that I'm hysteric

Get a load of your white cleric (_Raistlin, horrified, backs away from Crysania_)

I'm sad to be the one with this bad news

All but Raistlin: Everything is boring

If you won't write in your story

If you don't write in your story

Lots and lots of Mary Sues

Caramon (_spoken_): Raistlin, can you hear me?

(_singing_) To really tell your story

To try and sell your story

To do well by your story and not lose

I tell you, brother mine,

There is one thing you will find…

There simply must be, simply must be Sues.

Hey!

There simply must be, brother trust me,

Simply must be Sues.


End file.
